Tuesday, June 29, 2004

F*** Wheaties

You want to know the best way to start your day? Begin with windows rolled down and "Get Your Hands Of My Woman, Motherfucker" by the Darkness at full volume. Rush hour traffic has never been so enjoyable.

Liz is looking forward to:

1. Spiderman 2 - This Wednesday, baby!
2. Watching pretty colored explosions!
3. Going to the Hazel Park Race Track for the first time as a high roll in training.
4. TASTEFEST! Can the lineup be any sweeter? Hell, no! I've been brushing up on my Cake all week, revisiting "Fashion Nugget."
5. Indulging in tasty bits of alligator - mmm mmm gator!
6. The Smerigan Luau - no doubt Ron's dad will try and force me to drink some tropical alcoholic beverage, and I will buckle like a belt.
7. Frisbee golf - umm, please don't rain?
8. Housesitting in West Bloomfield - hot tub, sauna, a furry companion...
9. Finishing Homicide Season Three and moving on to Season Four
10. DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON MONDAY. Come on Ron, we have to stick with the plan!

Hopefully, I'll see most of you at one point this weekend. Have friggin' birthday, America!

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Making a Hot Fuss

I love The Killers...I smiled during the entire listening experience. Tour now! Make t-shirts that read "I've Got Soul But I'm Not A Solider" now!

Ultimate Injury

I love summer! And I hate not being active! And I hate hurting myself even more! Ron and I are official broken and in need of some serious joint replacement. We figured that this weekend would be full of relaxation, hanging out with Grandpa, his new wife (he eloped on Mackinac Island...69 years old and still spontanious), my cousins and other fam. Dead wrong. My cousin Dan and his sister's boyfriend play Ultimate Frisbee three times a week. For those of you who don't know, it's like touch football, but with a frisbee...and you run like your playing soccer. The whole family got involved - parents, uncles, aunts, everyone. Hot and sunny the entire weekend, we played for two hours on Saturday, went on the boat, jumped in icy cold lake water (heart-stopping AND refreshing), played some more...then hurt. And Ron and I both rolled our ankels. Good times.

So, what would any intelligent, college-educated young adults do the next day? Yeah, we played another game this morning. Don't get me wrong, I had the best time! Billiards, Cranium...my family rocks. We're all a little bit crazy, but at least we all have something in common.

We also went to Birch Run today. I've never been, so I scooped up some summer essentials, tank tops and Hot Girl jeans. I'm working on it.

Off to the WAB tonight...

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Cram it up your cramhole

Dodgeball = best cameos ever - Chuck Norris, David Hasslehoff, The Shatner...need I say more??? Jason Bateman - "Pepper needs new shorts!!!" A true underdog story, indeed.

2004 is offically the Year of the Pirate. First, the lead singer from Elefant. Then, Johnny Depp makes pirates hot, even though that movie is named after a freakin' Disneyworld ride. Then, Jon Stewart peppers the Daily Show with random "RRrrrrr"s. Enter 'Dodgeball' and Steve, the lovely pirate character, with his own catchphrase-slash-utterence "Garrrrrrrr" - it's a cool twist on an old thing.

See Dodgeball as soon as possible. If you don't, I will find someone on the street to hurt you, and I can be very convincing.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Oh no, it's Monday.

The only shitty part of a spectacular weekend is that Mondays are always so painful. Ugh. The wedding was amazing - 78 pictures later, it was a day full of wedded bliss. Good times in the limo, good times in the golf carts, the best wedding food I've ever had, and getting to see one of my best friends be the happiest I've ever seen her. Jax stayed in town an extra night, so we hung out in Royal Oak for the Clay and Glass Art Festival yesterday, and the coolest coasters EVER were purchased.

I really have to get to work now...noooooo...ugh again. Tuesday will be better...I hope.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Idol on Liz

Allyson (of 96.3 fame) and I have decided to scrap our current careers, move down to Fayetteville and make truckloads of money. There is a serious lack of cover band in this North Carolina goat whoring mecca, and we're ready to cash in. Everyone loves pop music, right? We shall provide. Introducing Aiken Breakin' Hearts - the first (and quite possibly only) Clay Aiken cover band in the nation! Yes, I know, we aren't 17 year old boys and we don't have spiky hair or flashy smiles, but we can dance and we can sing...kind of...a little bit...if you paid us loads of money.

Tomorrow, Renee gets married! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Good times will most certainly be had by all. I don't know how I'm going to get home on Saturday. Yipeee *wink*

Later, sk8rs!

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Has anyone seen Royal Oak?

Royal Oak was swallowed up by hundred of fans last night, some of which celebrated intellegently by lighting fireworks then dancing on top of them. Nothing like a third degree burn to go with an NBA Championship. I've never seen anything like it - so many people. I enjoy watching chaos from the comfort of my futon. Sheesh. Apparently Ann Arbor was out of control last night as well. The parade will be off the chain.

Best post-game highlight: Kid Rock, Hank Williams Jr. and Kwame Kilpatrick all vying for the attention of Bernie Smilovitz. Kid Rock should drink more often...he's very entertaining (especially when it's live television).

I hope everyone gets in to work at noon today...or one...whenever.

100 to 87...fuck yeah.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Fire in the Taco Bell!

25 point lead. Throw hands up in air and pump repeatedly. Your Detroit Pistons are the National Champions. Pre-celebration comments:

Larry Brown has a hot wife at least 20 years his junior. Bless you, Stallion.

Why can't Al Micheals stop hitting on his fellow commentator? Rapid-fire compliments and multiple, unnecesary uses of Doc's first name. Al is looking for some chocolate love.

DEEEEEE-TROOOOOOIT BASKETBALL!!! Let the riots begin - film at 11! Or midnight...or 12:30...whatever...

My halftime report

Best inter-LA-ass-kicking relief - Bob Odenkirk running for President of Beer. Travashamockery, a refridgerator knitted...out of yarn, the benefits of peripheral vision. Bob's got it all. Good Call in '04. Runner-up: the "Shmitty!!!" Verizon commercial following the first 'friend' to get a 'real' job. By the way, that's what life was like living with Jax and Cyn. Being ridiculous all the time and living in our personal inside joke - bestest.

Really, hasn't Chuck Daly wanted this moment more than the rest of us? What does he do for a living? He's been waiting around for another stellar season so he can be interviewed come Finals, right? So he can be the 'expert?'

Official LA Celeb list:Staples center - courtesy of Miss Rebecca
Snoop Dog, Bishop Don Magic Juan ("that green guy"), JTrousersnake, Ludacris, Bobby Deniro, Jack "worst use of sunglasses ever" Nicholson, Demi and Ashton, Vin Dissel, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Sharon Stone.

Jack really is the ultimate Lakers fan...TOO BAD WE WILL CRUSH HIS LITTLE BABY DREAMS OF AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP. NO, JACK, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. I've probably spoken too soon, as I may stand before you a beaten and broken woman. I think you can also be called a shmuck when your own celebrity impersonator comes to the same game. Sorry, Jack, you still lose.

Pistons up by 10...the fans are hungry, Seymour - feed them!!!

Land of the free and home of the lipsync

Was it just me, or did Aretha Franklin completely hack it? She's so big that she can't even sing the Star Spangled Banner - she has to lipsync. And badly, might I add. She wasn't even N*Sync. Get B. Spears on the phone - if someone's going to mouth words to their own song, we might as well see some thigh and some simulated masterbation.

Monday, June 14, 2004

New Pixies Song!

New material from the Pixies: "Bam Thwok" will be available on iTunes at midnight (June 15) for a very tasty 99 cents. Scoop it up!

Disc golf training and sweaty men

You know it's been a full weekend when you can use those six words in one sentence. One of my best friends is getting married this Saturday and I'm in the wedding so we gave her a fitting send off this past Saturday. Champagne, great food, laughter...oh yeah, and a guy named Randy who took his clothes off for us. Yep, two of Renee's friends found a last minute stripper and it was simultaniously the more frightening and the most fun experience I've ever had with a half naked man I barely knew. I refused a lap dance, then Renee's mother started throwing money at Thong Guy. Covering my eyes for the first 30 seconds, I could only feel slimy man on my hands. Then I realized what a nice guy Randy was. Seriously, he apoligized for sweating on me and made sure I was 100% comfortable. He also grabbed dollar bills our from Renee's clothing, which was a nice gesture. Then we went to the bar and shook our asses for three hours - brilliant. For the record, the worst thing a guy can do is come up BEHIND you and start with the bump and grind. If you want to dance with me, let me see your face - DO NOT SNEAK UP ON ME. You will be dispatched immediately. Anywho, this coming Saturday is going to be out of control...and I won't forget my camera this time!

This ridiculous amount of rain is definitely affecting my disc golf game. New lakes have formed on most courses in the metro area and they don't seem to be drying up. Ron and I spent an hour and a half working on our long range driving, as well as accuracy with a game of 150-foot catch. If we don't stay sharp, we risk losing everything we know. As soon as this freakin' rain lets up, we'll be organizing a disc golf outing for all interested parties.

How cool are the Pistons? The bandwagon is getting too full - we're spilling out into the streets! Another random note: anyone who was intimidated by me and my harsh bowling victory on Friday, it was a fluke. Guaranteed. Ask Ron about the bowling skill curve when combined with alcohol - secrets revealed!

To work I go - Happy Monday!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

I'm back...and I'm happy!

Nothing like a shitty day of drama to make you realize that you love your normal, somewhat boring life. So! Here's the scoop: I officially have a new Focus ZX5, with MY license plate and MY CDs in the 6-disc changer (yeah, baby). I put the sunroof up on Monday (word up) and enjoyed a suntan in rush hour traffic. No shaking, no clicking, no grinding. This baby drives like a dream. I can't wait to introduce everyone to my Speeding Bullet! Needless to say, Liz will be doing some major budgeting, but it's all about piece of mind in the end.

Next, a very very HAPPY EFFING BIRTHDAY to Ms. Emily today! Hopefully, we will celebrate The Dude-style and bowl tomorrow.

I will be making "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn" a regular part of my week. Last night was the funniest one I've ever seen - Jim Norton, Kevin Richardson, Patrice O'Neal, Nick DiPallo AND Pat Cooper. Cooper is such a crumudgen - and he knows it! At one point, Pat and Jim took turns hosting the show, Colin did a spot-on imperssonation of Jim, Pat Cooper went on a race rant and was then gently lead off the set by Patice and Kevin. Nick: "Now you've seen your future, Pat. Two black guys are gonna help you change your diaper every day." I was in tears. Tonight, Graham Norton will be on the show. Tough Crowd needs more gay, and by Christ, Graham will happily fill that void.

Keep it glued tonight- Pistons at home, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Beasties perform on the MTV Movie Awards...

Random note: Last Friday, I was at a party with Ron at our friend Jason's house. He had a bunch of bands playing in his basement and lots of high school girls walking around in a high school daze. Actual words out of one particularly bright girl's mouth: "That beer is so cool." BEER CANNOT BE COOL! IT CAN BE SMOOTH, HEADY, BITTER, SHARP - BUT NEVER COOL! A clearly blantent attempt to 'fit in.' Beer is always cool, honey - no need to point it out.

C-ya'll later.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Shitty, shitty, shitty

This is completely unlike me, but I do have to say that since last Wednesday, stupid crap has been the name of the game. Don't really want to get into it, 'cause I'm not about the negativity. The refresher course is as follows: problems getting my new car, problems with ridiclously expensive car insurance, drama with upcoming bachelorette party planning, guilt for using Ron's car as my only means of transportation. Like my good mother said, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, that's damn good advice, moms.

With that, until my mood brightens, I'm taking a blogging break. A short break. I'll still be here...

Friday, June 04, 2004

Please say hi to The Silver Bullet!

BIG NEWS! I'm going to be driving a brand new, shiny, happy 2004 Focus ZX5. Hatchbacks are way hot! I test drove one yesterday, met with the manager at Elder Ford (my uncle's neighbor...it pays to have friends of friends), got a ridiculous deal on a new car. I'm just waiting for my credit app to go through and then fork over a ton of cash for the piece of mind I haven't had in six months! She's going to be beautiful...though, I will have an empty spot for a while. The Little Green Bug has gotten me through high school, college, unemployment, and a new apartment. Now, the torch must be passed. My love still burns...but I'll get over it :)

Softball tonight...I'll have some power in my swing tonight! Wah-hoo!!!

Thursday, June 03, 2004

The #1 Summer Jam

Stop whatever you are doing RIGHT NOW and go to homestar runner's main page @ www.homestarrunner.com. There is a bubble in the upper right corner that showcases updated features on the site...check out Homestar and They Might Be Giant's Puppet Jam 2, pluse see the Cheatar being displayed in Cleveland.

Everybody to the Limit!

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

De-troit's goin' to work!

I've been in left field all day and forgot that the MUTHATRUCKIN' PISTONS ARE GOING TO THE FINALS! I'm pretty sure I can anticipate more dirty playing, flagrant fouls, and plastic facemasks. Remember Bad Boys? Remember when Detroit basketball made life a bit more exciting? Well, the time is now. Bandwagon jumpers, unite!

Little Green Bug 1994-2004

So ends an era...

My 1994 Escort wagon has had a good run. She has been loyal, yet troublesome, for many years. Now, her time has come. I must say goodbye to my baby, give her a good once over, and send her off on her next journey. I'm pleased to say that I will be replacing her in the next five days. She's been a bitch, she's left me stranded on the side of the road, but I love her and I'll miss her. Coming soon, free rides in my brand new car.

I think my head is going to explode. Oh, goody.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Free tastes so free!

Plans for Fourth of July are carved out in stone - TasteFest, yo! It's been three years coming, and finally, an entire five day weekend of pure musical goodness. It's like Comerica was spying on my brain as I thought "Hmmmm, you know who I'd love to see in July...in one weekend...for FREE?" That's what gets me. I feel like I'm cheating, like I've hopped the proverbial fence and snuck my way into these ridiculously rockin' shows. Just look! Plus, I get to savor bistro-slathered nuggets of alligator. Sweet, juicy reptile!

Not to outdue our previous WAB outings, but this past Sunday undid everything that has been done. I consume so many blood marys, I lost count. I hardly ever lose count, except when I reach that 'fuck it' point of no return, from which money is no object. I couldn't believe that EVERYONE showed up! Lots of laughter, remembering of good times, talk of adult dodge ball, talk of piling everyone in an Econoline and driving to NC, arguments about 'Alias' (Chris, you are still wrong.), sharing dark family secrets...I mean, what else is there to do at the WAB for seven hours? That's right, over 200 dollars later, we all left with our bellies full and our minds slight mushy. A proper send off was promised and delivered. Let me preface the following by saying that right now, I'm not drunk - I have the best friends in the world. I talking to all of you...Westside, Flint-town, in all directions - you all rock my world.

On 'Troy' - lots of Brad Pitt's naked thigh (sorry ladies, no tush), Orlando Bloom looking really pretty and pretty whimpy, proof that Paris was the biggest historical pansy in the history of history (dude, fight the good fight, YOU STARTED THIS FUCKING WAR! You knew exactly what you were doing when you shacked with Helen, so quit looking scared and talking about courage. Be courageous. Oh yeah, he does end up killing Achilles, Greek's fiercest warrrior, but you've still got a lot to prove, mister!), Greek dudes invented hippie fashion with the first use of hair jewelry and tie-dye, Brad Pitt is part gazelle, and Peter O'Toole is hot...um, can I say that?

Time to continue my mob education with 'The Godfather Part II.' Fagetabatit!

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